“You think I want to love you? You don’t think that the idea of loving you, the knowledge that I have been in love with you since the day we met doesn’t kill me? When we first met, I thought we would be enemies.” I remember spitting out these words, I remember the feeling in my heart as I fought not to cry being there.
“We weren’t enemies though, the cocky boy was no match to the girl trying to find herself is what I thought. I was at least strong enough to realize that you were not the guy for me. But here I am, standing in front of you as I admit that I love you even though it is the last thing I want.” I closed my eyes, the tears were threatening but I needed to say this.
“When I thought of love, you were not what I imagined. I thought of a person who supported you and cared for you and was there through everything but here I am loving you for all that is holy, I can not figure out why. You have not been there for me, you have not cared for me.” I wanted to hit him, I wanted to slap him right there. The look in his eyes, the look of amusement or something equally as sinister for this moment.
“No, no. I don’t get any of that, do I?” I whispered so quietly that I didn’t know if he heard me. “I get the guy that skated through life, he said things that he knew girls would fall for. He played the sweet and innocent act that got people to approve but no act can last long. You showed your true colors. The way you let people fall so hard but you are never there to catch them.”
He looked as though he wanted to say something but there was nothing I wanted to hear. “So yeah, I do love you. I love your hair and your eyes. I love your sweet words and I hate your harsh goodbyes. I love those moments in the gym where we competed and I love our dances in the rain. I love the way you looked when we met, so childish and so innocent and I love the look in your eye when I am actually nice to you. I love when you are a complete jerk to everyone around you.” I remembering smiling as the many memories passed.
“You were there when I was finding myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore and you were there to carry me. To whisper in my ear that all was okay. Funny enough, I also hate you for all of those reasons.”
“No. I hate you so much that my heart hurts. I hate you for the fact that you have hurt me on countless occasions. I hate you so much!” I was screaming now. “So why do I have to love you?”
“No. You can’t do it again.”
“I said no! You can’t do it again! I won’t let you! I won’t listen to your sweet words only to let you hurt me all over again. I can’t do it anymore. So stay away from me.”
“What if I love you too?”
“Stay away from me,” I growled out as I stormed away. He was not someone I could always be around, he was not someone I was going to allow to hurt me again. I would not allow it.