I have always wondered how much you actually knew of the events before or after and what you were actually aware of. Our bullying story isn’t what I consider to be a normal one which might not make this relatable but I know that my feelings in regards to this might be.
I had a crush on you for five months before any of the events you knew of took place, there was this game that I played with a friend of mine where she pointed to a guy and we had a challenge to either become friends or start dating the guy. This game had been played three times prior to meeting you and was never again played afterwards.
I never really spoke to you, it was more of acknowledging your existence and observing. Not in the stalker way but in the way if you showed up in the cafeteria at the end of my lunch period like you always did, I noticed it. It was five months of observing you and how you spent time with your friends.
When you started hanging out with her, I did notice and I asked around if you guys were dating but everybody assured me that you guys weren’t and that she was dating somebody else. In fact, a few weeks before, you guys were sharing an umbrella and once again, I asked around if you guys were dating and once again, my answer was no.
So, when my best friend finally got tired of me never asking you out or becoming your friend, she told me that I had to tell you but I had no guts to walk up to you and confess that I had a crush on you so I wrote that letter. Where I told you that I liked you and gave you my number because even if you didn’t like me back, I wanted to be your friend.
By lunch time, my phone was blowing up with death threats. I was threatened by your girl friend who told me to stay away from you, by your friends who called me a whore because I tried to steal you away from her. When in all honesty, I never even knew that you two were dating. I had been told countless times that you guys weren’t and I believed that.
The following day, I was being approached by your friends who screamed at me about how I was a whore for trying to break the two of you up, my name was called jokingly by your friends where they tried to tell me that you liked me, they pushed me down the stairs and tripped me as I walked by.
All because I made the mistake of finally telling you that I had feelings for you. This continued on for months though the physical violence wasn’t anything like the text messages. Telling me to kill myself, to die, that I was too ugly for anybody to ever like me. This all continued for months.
You were actually never involved in any of this, which was something that I found to be relatively surprising and my friends went on a mission to find out who exactly was texting me because those were the worst. Some of them showed remorse and some of them were just cruel.
Eventually, one day I received a phone call. It was one of your friends pretending to be some older guy who was talking about how they knew which school I went to and how they were going to harass me. I knew immediately that it was one of your friends, I knew the voice that was pretending to be somebody else.
That day, I started crying. They had gotten violent, threatened me, been verbally and physically abusive and at that point, I had been done. I was broken. You guys had made fun of me for an entire year and I was at my breaking point.
To this day, I don’t know how much you knew about what happened that first year. I never saw you in any of it so I have no idea. But around that time, I made a very emotionally charged decision to text one of them. I explained everything I told you in a much more condensed manner. I asked them to stop messing with me and the crazy thing was, it worked.
I stopped getting prank calls, I stopped getting teased and pushed down the stairs, I stopped being hit in the face with doors after people I didn’t even realize were apart of it falsely pretended to open the door for me. I stopped being told that I was a slut and with that message paired with my best friend yelling at one of you, it all stopped.
Though, as you are aware, you decided the following school year that you absolutely had to be involved. Maybe you didn’t know at the time and found out later, maybe they talked you into continuing the torment but regardless. The day that you started being involved was the same day that everything started back up.
I tried to get my number changed but it just never ended up happening but regardless, one day you called out my name when I was walking ahead of you. I had been trying to strategically avoid you and your friends for months after I realized our classes were next door to each other. I would magically walk faster and keep my head down because I genuinely thought that would work.
I think it just caught your attention though. You called out my name, trying to get me to stop while laughing the entire time. You claimed that you suddenly liked me like I would turn around and fall to your beck and call. Soon after you began, your friends began to join in.
Every single time they saw me, they would do the same thing and once again, it was like everything fell back into place because out of nowhere, I was once again being tripped by one of your friends.
This time though, it was different. I felt strong enough to fight against you guys, something that I didn’t have previously. While you guys have changed my entire view on life, I was stronger. I was strong enough to never turn around, regardless of how many times you said my name. I was able to continue walking, like I had never heard you even though every time you uttered my name, I became scared.
I know this is out of the ordinary, I know that typically once you are bullied. You hate them for the rest of your life but for me, it’s a very different situation. When all of this started, I was only a freshman in high school.
I was naive enough to have a crush on a guy that I had never even spoken to and nor had I befriended you. In fact, I doubt you even knew my name before everything took place. I didn’t know what a real relationship was, I didn’t know what it was like to become friends with the person first, and in general, I was weak.
A part of me is still petrified every time you or your friends are in the same room as me. In fact, at some point, it got so bad that if you guys did walk into the same room, I would begin hyperventilating and have a panic attack. It’s because of your bullying that my anxiety became what it is today.
Though, while I do not hate you, I don’t want to be near you either. You guys said irreversible things to that point that I have never befriended any of you and have even walked away from friends who were friends with you. But in my head, you guys had won and it’s because of you guys that I became strong.
I can fight against a bully now and it’s because of my first bullying experiences that I can.
I don’t want to say thank you because you guys did bully me but I don’t think that I would have changed those events because they did need to happen for me to grow stronger and become the person that I am today.
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