Dear Boy Who Passed Away,
I honestly have no idea why I am writing this at all. It’s not like you’ll ever read it as you’re long gone and I can’t say anything like I wish you hadn’t done what you had done or I wish you had contacted me before you did because I know it’s unrealistic. You were the boy that lived in my neighborhood and shaped my childhood, but as years passed and houses changed, we were no longer the same people and I know that I could not have done anything.
But that doesn’t change that heartbreaking feeling in my heart as I think of the boy that I once knew and how his mama will now be burying him just as he finally became an adult.
I don’t question why you did it, suicide has never been something that I don’t understand. I don’t question what happened in your life to make this the last option, I know what happened that day. I know that some of the things that you did on that fateful day was completely of your undoing and that in many ways, you probably wouldn’t have been able to get out of it.
Instead, I keep thinking of the memories that I share with you. I think of all the times that your name has crossed my mind in the past couple years. I had never forgotten about and I think that is why when I had found out that you had passed away, I was in complete and utter shock. I had run out of the classroom and had a panic attack as I made a mad dash to my car for no reason than to have a destination from my desire to get away as fast as possible.
You were the boy that lived two streets over, the shorter blonde kid that had the best jokes and rode the same bus as me for 6 years. You were the boy that found my most ticklish spots and wouldn’t let me forget it, the boy that I would walk around the neighborhood with as we searched for stray change on the ground. (I especially remember the day that we found a little over a dollar as we searched between the three streets that were the confines of our own neighborhood.)
I remember the days that I would walk with my dog to your house and I would spend twenty minutes just standing outside, hoping that you would come as I was afraid to knock on the door and this was a time before cellphones were accessible to elementary kids so I had no way of texting you to come outside. I remember that when you finally would come outside, as you always did, you would chase my dog around and try to ride her like a horse, which was honestly more funny than anything else.
I remember that one snowy day that we somehow ended up hanging outside, a time before we ever really knew each other even though we had been living in the same neighborhood for years and we talked about everything. I remember telling you about the field that I had recently discovered, I remember the treck that we tried to make but the river was too icy to cross safely, I remember you drawing things in the snow without letting me see what it was. I used to muse that day that you had liked me… That the day in the snow would have been the turning point for us, as I had a crush on you for quite some time before that day and after.
I remember that day that you got me in detention, one of only two times I have ever been in trouble enough to warrant a detention slip at all, where you had been throwing erasers at me, for what reason I had never learned before in my attempt to make you stop, I called you an elf and landed my second detention of Elementary school.
I remember all of these things, I remember that dopey grin that you had and I remember your voice like I had just heard it yesterday. I remember everything about you from all those years ago.
And then I remember that you’re gone and I realize that I can never talk to you again. I can never find out why you threw those erasers, or if you ever liked me on that snowy day. I can never see you again and you can never make me laugh again.
You’re just a boy that’s gone that I remember so clearly. I can’t say that I missed you as we haven’t spoken since high school but I’m not gonna lie that I don’t… I miss the you in Elementary school and I know that you’ve changed. I know that I’ve changed.
It just hurts that there will never be anymore memories between us because as much as you might not believe, I really did cherish all of those memories. From the good to the bad…
If you see Fluffy from wherever you are, make sure to tell her that I said hi and that I love her, okay?
If you wanna check out other letter’s I’ve written, click below!