This Time Last Year.

A year ago feels like a lifetime ago if you want me to be honest, I was in a serious depression and I was losing my mind, it felt like.  I didn’t want to do anything besides write which in some ways was a good thing, I had published my second novel last October and it’s officially been a year since I’ve written anything. I wrote my first novel in June of 2016 and my second novel in October of 2017.

 

But now it’s October of 2017 and the most I’ve done is work on this blog and even then, I’ve done pretty shitty work with that.

 

I was talking about the kind of relationship I wanted, and I found it. Check off all of the boxes or put all of those personality traits and actions that I desired and put into one man and I have found him. He is my best friend and the love of my life and I am so thankful for him.

 

I am a graduated high school student and going to the University of my dreams. The same school that I visited in Freshman year and have dreamed about going since.

 

Life is better honestly, but in some ways. I don’t feel better about myself. I feel lost and unproductive and just… not living the life I want to live and I want to make a change but I don’t know where that change needs to happen.

 

Maybe doing this challenge will help…

 

See you tomorrow.

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Why Did I Go Vegan?

 

This is the most common question that I’ve heard since the moment that I became vegan. “Why did you do it?” Like it’s some unimaginable concept that somebody could become vegan, that somebody could make the decision to change their eating habits to this degree.

 

I’ll admit that I changed a lot, it wasn’t even one of those things that I slowly began to cut things out, all of it was simply gone one day. I had one last day where I ate tuna sandwiches and cereal and almost had half a thing of nutella as my parting goodbye. It was a decision, something that came about from a moment of curiosity.

 

I was struggling with food, something that has been an on-going battle which will definitely be something that I discuss more in the future. At the time, I was 200 pounds and felt absolutely disgusting and I was binge eating all of the time. I was not in a good place.

 

And then one day, I was on YouTube and I found all of these vegan YouTubers. I started watching vegan videos, like foods and recipes. I watched videos on why people became vegan and why people were not vegan and I became curious.

 

I started watching documentaries and videos of how animals are treated and it was during “Cowspiracy” that I had this epiphany. Or rather this general disgust. I was watching how cows were treated and I just couldn’t stomach the idea of eating meat ever again. I couldn’t stomach the idea of being the reason why these animals were being mistreated.

 

But it wasn’t just that, I was going through some things. I was unhappy and sad and I hated my body and I hated my diet. I didn’t think Veganism would fix it but I wanted to try.

 

Alongside all of these reasons, I have chronic stomach pain where I randomly get stabbing pains in my stomach which came after Gallbladder surgery back in November of 2015. I wanted a way to make this better and I knew that there was a possibility that changing my diet would positively impact this problem.

 


 

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The Swim Test

Do you guys remember swim tests during summer camp? You would have to swim from one side of the “deep” end all the way to the other in a certain amount of time and you couldn’t show weakness and you could not struggle and if they noticed it, you would fail.

Sometimes as I am walking through life, I am hit with memories of those swim tests as I am submerged in the water and looking around, seeing the other people swimming with ease and no discomfort and I hope, I dream that someone will notice. I am failing at this, why are you not seeing this?

However, I would pass the test and each and every single time this sense of pride would hit me and regardless of whether or not they understood, it meant something to me because it meant that I was able to put a facade. But at the same exact time, I felt this complete and utter fear because they were able to see something, see this ability that I knew I did not have and I worried that it would blow up in face. Because of this, I would rarely go into the deep end. I would go on the slide and then immediately get out, fear that I would fail and something would happen.

When you feel like that in the real world, like you’re in the middle of the swim test and you feel the water all around you and your heart is burning because you need to stop swimming but you keep swimming anyways, the struggle slowly getting harder and harder and you can’t stop.

The last possible thing you can do is stop because the second you stop, you have everything coming raining down on you, the water gets higher and it gets even harder and people can pretend they understand, they can assume and ask you ridiculous questions but they don’t really know the truth. They don’t bother asking what the truth is.

Sometimes I dream of someone helping me out of the water, realizing that I am struggling and losing desperately and that somebody would be on my side but what’s crazy is that the side that is struggling is never the easier side. It’s easier to side with the bullies and the jerks and the liars because they have done it so many times it’s practically like water coming up slowly during the high tide, something slow and easy to get out of but really their entire demeanor is like a wave crashing down on you and keeping you under the water for hours at a time.

What do you do?

What happens?

You fight it, you hope they don’t notice because when it is all finally over, it pays off because then you can go down the slide and you’ll be on the winners side and you were never the liar, the person who fought on the wrong side during a battle that seemed unwinnable and you do. You exceed, you excel, and you win.

Cause in the end, that swim test is just the battle that leads to winning and excelling at the end of a long, hard battle.
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Never Stop Fighting

 

I think that there is this time where you think everything is perfect, this moment can be when everything you’ve been planning and waiting for is finally falling into place, this moment could be at the beginning of a relationship, or perhaps you only experienced it as a small child.

 

Whatever the case may be, everything was perfect and the scary thing is not knowing when it will stop being perfect.

 

In the end, during the last moments of perfection there is a change. It could be the way the season changed or perhaps it wasn’t anything and it was everything at the exact same time.

 

Perhaps picking up that penny changed everything for you or perhaps it didn’t. Sometimes you can’t even pinpoint the change and you find yourself somewhere, someplace simply not knowing when but knowing it did.

 

Those moments are passed the time where you’re scared that the “perfect” feeling is going to leave because you’ve long bypassed it already not being perfect. It is during those moments and those moments only that you truly wonder, what do I do now that everything has changed?

 

Well you have options, so many options. You have the option to stay and fight like hell because that’s really all you can do. You have the option to hide, hide under your favorite blanket or inside a book or behind a computer and you hide. You hide until you know what is happening, you hide until you can make sense out of things. You hide and you hide and you continue hiding until you have an answer or the last option, the easiest option, is running and running as fast as humanly possible.

 

You wonder which one to take, you stare at the options until you realize that you already are hiding. When during those moments of realizing that everything is no longer perfect and you begin the wonder of what is to come, you realize something very important.

 

It is a battle, one of which that you don’t realize you’re fighting until you reach the moment of either fighting like hell and winning the game or running away.

 

It is during those moments that you realize how strong you are.

 

I wonder which one I would chose and then I realize, you are constantly choosing. You choose every moment you walk on this earth, every time you eat a piece of food or drink water, you are choosing something.

 

The battle that you are constantly fighting is never one that you realize you’re fighting until it’s time to really step it up. If you can choose to fight every day, when you are looking at the three paths of choices and which one to choose at the end of what you thought was perfection, you can continue fighting, you’ve been doing it all this time.

 

So if you feel like you can only fight one last fight, if you feel like you’re drowning like I so often do, remember that fighting is something you do every single day and you can fight. You can always fight and you can always win. You only lose when you choose not to fight. You only loose when you put your armor down and walk away.

 

Please never stop fighting.